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Fun Run/Transcript
Paul Martin: Good evening, Canada. I'd like to take this opportunity to address the nation in regard to some important issues. As you know, we live in a country that is... Brent Leroy: Um, excuse me. Martin: Oh, hi, Brent. Brent: Hello, Mr. Prime Minister. Um, I'm just kinda wondering what you're doing. Martin: Well, I, I'm speaking to the nation. I'm addressing Canada. Brent: Oh. Hello, Canada. Um, is this something you have to do right now? Martin: Is now a bad time? Brent: Sort of, for me, anyway. I kinda had the next 30 minutes planned out. Martin: Look, couldn't you do your thing later? Brent: This is really the only half hour in the week they let me do anything. The rest is pretty much Canadian Idol. Martin: But what about my message? Brent: Um, you could do a mass emailing. You could "cc" the nation. Martin: You know, I like the way you think. Brent: Really? Well, you, you could make me minister of something. Martin: I gotta go. Hank Yarbo: Look at this guy, Brent. There's a guy makin' a difference, someone doin' somethin' with his life. Brent: What are ya on about? Hank: You know, I've been thinkin', I don't contribute to society. Brent: Sure you do. You're a morale booster. By contributing nothing, you make everyone else feel good about themselves. Hank: That's not good enough anymore. I, I wanna start giving back. It's time I reached out with a selfless spirit to the people of this town. Anytime, Gramps! Emma Leroy: Look, I told you, you can't park here. Oscar Leroy: Oh, we can now. I got the special plates. I pulled a fast one on Doc Russell. Oscar: I can barely move. My back is in such pain. Doc Russell: Works for me. Just sign this form. Oscar: Whoops. There ya go. Emma: People who use these plates have something wrong with them, more wrong with them. Oscar: Who cares? Now we can park close to things. Emma: Where are we, Manhattan? We always park close to things. Oscar: Gotta think ahead. Emma: Try thinking, period. Hank: Well, I did it. I signed up to be the crossing guard. And you never thought I'd do it. Brent: You're right, I didn't, mainly 'cause you never said you were gonna do it. Hank: In your face! Karen Pelly: Well, normally I'd say that's good, Hank, but I don't think it is good, so I'd be lying. Hank: Wow. I was inspired by Mr. Stevens, the crossing guard. Everyone he helps across the street looks up to him. Karen: That's because they're kids. They're short. Hank: It's sad he's hangin' up the sign, though. He was so good with those kids. Pete Stevens: That's a 26 of vodka, a mickey a gin, and a six pack. That'll be eighty bucks. Teen: Eighty bucks? Stevens: Smokes don't grow on trees. Hank: I don't know what those kids are gonna do without him. Oscar: So that's one 26'r of vodka, a mickey a gin, and a six pack. Gimme a hundred bucks. Teen: Mr. Stevens only charged eighty. Oscar: Look, you wanna talk or get gooned? Lacey Burrows: Well, aren't you lookin' sporty. Wanda Dollard: Eh, I'm trying to train for that 10K Fun Run. Lacey: Oh, you're running. Good for you. Wanda: What, are you saying I'm fat? Lacey: No! No! No, I meant I'd like to get back into running. Hey, maybe we should run together, start a group. Wanda: What's in it for me? Lacey: Motivation, companionship, maybe even a little friendly competition. Wanda: Hey, I'll do it anyway. Wanda: I'm glad you talked me into this. It's kinda nice having someone to run with. Lacey: Yeah. And to talk to. Wanda: Let's go! Lacey: Oh! Davis Quinton: Oh, hey, Emma. Your car's parked illegally in a handicap spot. Emma: Oh, that's Oscar. Apparently he's handicapped now because of his back. Davis: Really? Emma: Yeah. He told Doc Russell he was all in pain, so he got the special plates. Davis: Must be pretty bad. Those plates are hard to get. Davis: I think I have a problem with my hip flexor. It would really help me if I could park close to stuff. Doc Russell: In 25 years as a doctor, that's the biggest crock I've heard. Emma: Personally, I think he's lying. Davis: Yeah. How could that be the biggest crock? Hank: Whoa. Easy. Okay, you can cross now. Brent: I'm sorry about this. Hank: Okay, you can go now. Driver: I'm still filling up. Brent: Oh, I'll get it. Hank: Ah, wait for it. Karen: He doesn't look handicapped. Lacey: Well, he's probably just putting on a brave face. Let's not mention anything. He might be sensitive about it. Oscar: Hey, look at me. I'm disabled. Wanda: Acceptance is the first step. Good for you, Oscar. Lacey: You okay? Oscar: Yeah, it's just my back, flares up every once in a while. Wanda: My aunt has a bad back. It's terrible. Oscar: Sometimes the pain's too much. Wanda: No. I meant listening to her go on about it. Lacey: You just sit down. I know how you feel. I'm in a bit of pain myself. Running is not as easy as I remember. Karen: And you're not that young anymore. Lacey: I'll get you some coffee, straight away. Oscar: Thank you, handicapped plates. Brent: Okay, it's stop and go. How much practice do you need? Hank: What, what about cars comin' from the other direction? Brent: Unnecessary. Clearly you've got the gift. Hank: Yeah, but that test is comin' up. I need to know it backwards and forwards. Brent: How does backwards help you? Karen: Hey, Oscar! Oscar: What? Karen: I knew it. Wanda: That his name's Oscar? Karen: No, he doesn't have a bad back. See how he turned when I yelled. Wanda: That's proves he's not deaf. Karen: Oh. Oscar: Smarty pants. Thanks. At least someone's my back, my bad back. I wanted cream. Lacey: Oh. I'll get it. You just relax. You shouldn't make fun of him. Karen: I wasn't making fun. I was being skeptical of his disability. Wanda: Plus it's Oscar. We're not talking about a sympathetic character here. Lacey: But like you said, none of us are that young anymore. Wanda: She said you're not that young anymore. Lacey: Still, I think we should be sympathetic to those less capable. Oscar: Hey, slowpoke, chop-chop with the cream. Wanda: Come on. You heard Gimpy McGoo. Supervisor: Okay, there's a car comin' and a child waitin' to cross. What do you do? Very good. Okay, this time there's no car comin' and no child wants to cross. Very good. You pass. Hank: Yes! Oscar: Oh, yeah. Havin' a great day. Brent: I didn't ask. Oscar: Just drove to Weyburn and parked right in front of the bakery, right in front. Brent: Oh yeah? Did you get any of those cinnamon buns? Oscar: No. Brent: Butter tarts? Oscar: No. Brent: Lemon loaf? Oscar: No. Brent: Did you get any bakery related items? Oscar: No, nothing. But I could park right in front. Brent: Wow, these handicapped plates are really somethin', uh? Oscar: Being disabled, best thing that ever happened to me. Emma: What's with the nose? Hank: Oh. It's just somethin' us crossing guards use. Emma: I thought it was lifeguards. Hank: A guard's a guard, Ma'am. Emma: I'm going to the city. Maybe I could get you a life jacket. Hank: Oh, I'm, I'm fine. But, but let me help ya. Emma: Oh, that's okay. Hank: Okay, you can cross now, Ma'am. Emma: But my car's this way. Hank: Anytime, Ma'am. Emma: I want to go this way. Get away from me! Lacey: So what you listening to today? Wanda: A mix. Sum 41, Jann Arden. Lacey: Ah, I can't run listening to Jann Arden. Jann Arden: So the tour bus pulls into Winnipeg and breaks down. It was absolutely terrible. And then I got a sinus infection and the only doctor that was even around was a dentist which... Wanda: That's not what I meant. Plus, you wouldn't be able to keep up with her. Arden: So when the tour bus pulled into Winnipeg, it broke down. It was absolutely terrible. Brent: Where you two goin'? Lacey: Wanda and I started a running club. Brent: Ah, that explains the threads. Lacey: Threads? What are you, some sorta '60s beatnik? Brent: No, that's a common term. So what other cats are in this club? Wanda: Right now? Just me and Lacey. Lacey: We're training for the Fun Run. Brent: Geez, there's two words that don't belong together. Lacey: Will you please join. Wanda runs really fast and all she does is listen to her music. Wanda: Mainly sunny. Brent: Well, let me think about it. No. Lacey: Karen, will you join our running club? Karen: Sure. But I'm not very fast. Lacey: Oh, that's okay. We'll adjust. Davis: It seems like just yesterday he was able-bodied like the rest of us. Wes Humboldt: It was yesterday. Davis: Still, makes you think. Wes: Hey, Oscar, I can get that for you. Oscar: What? Davis: We're here to help. Want me to carry that? Oscar: What the hell's wrong with Davis? Other Teen: I knew he'd blow it. Teen: Go easy on him. He's handicapped. Emma: Ooh-oooh. Hmm. Lacey: I guess my favourite part is when I'm running and I think I can't go anymore, and then this calmness kicks in and the pain disappears. Wanda: Ah, the endorphins. Makes a body feel like it's dipping into a deeper reservoir of fuel. Lacey: And I slept so well last night. Brent, you should run with us. You'd sleep better. Brent: Maybe you guys talk about running some more. I'll drift right off. Lacey: You can joke all you want. Brent: Okay. Lacey: But I think you should join. It will be good for you. Wanda: I've seen you work up a sweat stirring coffee. Brent: Coffee's hot. That's condensation. Lacey: Look, maybe you're worried about the competition or looking foolish. But the running group is not about judgement. It's about gettin' out and having fun. Brent: Ah, you guys make it sound good. You know what? I'll see ya tomorrow. Lacey: This isn't what I had in mind. Karen: Yeah. Well, at least Brent can keep up. Wanda: About 20 minutes. Karen: Hey, Wanda, have you ever wet your pants on the job? Hank: Oh, hey, Oscar. I, uh, I heard you're mentally handicapped. Oscar: I'm not mentally handicapped. Hank: Oh, right. Sorry. I mean mentally challenged. Oscar: No! I'm just, I don't know. I got a bad back. Hank: Oh. Well, let me help you across the street. Oscar: Don't patronize me. Hank: I'm not. I, I'm, I'm a crossing guard. I do it for everyone, from the youngest child to the oldest, feeblest man. Oscar: Okay. No special favours. Hank: None. Everyone, I am stopping traffic for Oscar, not because he's old and fragile, but because I stop traffic for everyone. It is my duty as your crossing guard and that is why I'm patronizing him. Oscar: Just treat me normal. Hank: It's great you want to be treated normal. It's very courageous. Brent: Hey, that was kinda fun. Next time I think I should stretch more. Lacey: Okay, you've made your point. Davis: You're talking about the running group? Brent: Yeah, it was fun. Davis: You joined? Lacey: Brent doesn't actually run. He just sits in his car and follows us. Brent: It was surprisingly easy. Davis: Maybe I should get out and do something. I've been feeling all logy lately. Lacey: Well, we're always lookin' for more runners. Davis: This is great. And being part of a group means I'll keep at it. Brent: I dig that, Daddy-O. Davis: What, are you a hep cat now? Brent: It's somethin' I'm tryin' out. Davis: Oh. Hank: Ah, I'm glad you guys talked me into this. You know, before we started, I could barely go a half hour without stoppin'. Now we drive for an hour, I don't even notice. Davis: That's what training will do for ya. Brent: Yeah, gimme some skin. Davis: I don't think that's workin'. Brent: Yeah, well... Lacey: Hey, guys. If you're gonna drive with us in the race tomorrow, you might as well carry our stuff. Hank: It seems a bit much for a 10K. Lacey: Well, think of the extra calorie you'll burn. Emma: Oh, there you are. I was starting to think you forgot where you lived. Oscar: Don't you start. Emma: Start what? Oscar: Treatin' me like a feeb. Everybody in town thinks I'm an old geezer. Emma: Uh-huh? Oh, because of the plates. Oscar: Yes, because of the plates. Emma: Well, I told ya that would happen. Remember? Or are you drawing a blank? It's me, Emma. Oscar: Stop it! I'm not handicapped. Emma: Now you're in denial. Oscar: That's it. I'm taking back the plates. Emma: No. Oscar: Why not? Emma: Well, you should be thinking about your back. That's what you should be thinking about your bad, bad back. Oscar: Holy hell! How much did all this cost? Emma: Oh, Oscar, now you can't even concentrate on one subject at a time. I'm glad you have the plates. Hank: Oh, Karen, I got somethin' I wanna share with ya, you know, one officer to another. Lacey: Officer? Karen: Ah, Hank, no offence. Okay, offence. But you're a crossing guard. Hank: I know. But that doesn't mean what you do is any less important. I got some license plates of some cars that were speedin' through the school zone. Lacey: Oh, so now you're a snitch. Karen: Yeah. That's actually kinda helpful. Hank: I think the second one's yours. Karen: I was in a rush. Look, Hank, this is good of you and all, but maybe just stick to what you know best, or at least to being a crossing guard. Police work is for the police. That's why we carry the badges. Lacey: Where is your badge, anyway? Karen: I lost my badge. Brent: You lost a badger? Karen: My badge. I had it with me when I was running. Wanda: Losing your badge is pretty serious, isn't it? Karen: It's not as bad as losing your gun. Karen: Have you seen my gun? Oh, here it is. Davis: Good. The only thing worse than losing your gun, losing your badge. Oscar: I wanna run in this thing with you guys. Wanda: Okay. But Lacey's kinda slow. Lacey: I'm faster than a lame old man. Sorry. Just try and keep up, okay? Karen: What do you want? Hank: One of my people found it. Karen: My badge! Hank: No one needs to know about this. Now, you may not respect me, but I respect me, and I respect you. In fact, I have enough respect to make up for the lack of respect that you don't have for me, respectfully. Brent: Want some water? It's important to stay hydrated. Davis: I wonder if she over trained. What do you think, Doc? Doc Russell: Well, it's a pretty common mistake for beginners. Lacey: No, I didn't over train. My knee's just sore, that's all. Doc Russell: I can get you some handicap plates if you want. Hank: You want to get in? There's no shame in quittin'. Lacey: Oh, I should quit. Brent: Good reverse psychology. Hang in there, Lacey. We'll drive alongside and motivate ya. Davis: You're almost at Main Street. You can do this. We can do this. Lacey: Thanks, guys. Brent: Oh, the engine light is on. Hank: It's all the idling. Brent: Sorry, Lacey. We gotta go. Lacey: What? No! Wait! My knee! My knee! Hank: Hey, slow down. Brent: Why, what is it? Hank: Some kids want to cross the street. Doc Russell: We're in the middle of a race. Davis: Your jurisdiction, your call. Hank: Sorry, guys. Stop the car, Brent. Fitzy Fitzgerald: That took a lot of courage, Oscar. Alice (Organizer): You're so brave. Oscar: I'm not courageous. I'm able-bodied. Fitzy: Ah, that's the spirit. Oscar: I'm able-bodied. Lacey: It's okay. Thanks. I'm good. Brent: Aah! Geez, I love electrolytes! Karen: I'm sorry I was hard on you. I'm happy to call you a colleague. Hank: Not after what happened on the run. Karen: But you stopped for those kids. Hank: I hesitated. If I was any kinda officer I wouldn't have even flinched. I let the kids down. I can't look myself in the eye anymore and call myself a crossing guard. I'm done. Karen: Cool. Whatever. Oscar: See? Finished first in my age group. Now there's no excuse to feel sorry for me. Brent: When did we need an excuse? Emma: Get me a soda. Brent: Why are you so chipper? Oscar: She's mad at me. Emma: He returned the special plates. Brent: Oh. Sorry to hear you've been re-abled. Emma: I had to park half a block from the Co-Op this morning. Brent: Well you should join the running group. It makes a difference. Lacey: Oh, I hate running. Brent: Well, what about the group? Lacey: Oh, I quit. And to be honest, the way the others were talkin', I think they're done too. Karen: Ah, this is great. Wanda: Yeah, way better without Lacey. Karen: It's fun to run. Wanda: You'll have to give us a call next time you're in town and we'll do this again. Arden: You guys motivate me so much. Did I tell you about the time my tour bus was going to Halifax and... Karen and Wanda: Yes. Arden: Okay. Category:Transcripts